I want to wrap up January. But not really. What I want to do is burn January alive. I want to do very bad things to January because January sucked. The beginning of 2018 was supposed to be full of joy, light, and promise. I was supposed to tap into my unlimited potential and blaze across the sky like the light of a dead star. I was supposed to WRITE ALL THE THINGS.

Well, I didn’t write all the things because within the first week of January my MacBook Pro forgot it was a laptop and decided it didn’t want to start anymore. I couldn’t get past the loading progress bar and the big apple logo. I tried restarting in safe mode, I tried updating/downloading a new version of the software. I spent a few hours on the phone with apple tech support and even though they were extremely nice and awesome, there was no hope for my laptop.

Luckily, I already had current backups of my photos, music, and important documents like last year’s tax return and all that crap. What I didn’t have backed up were the most recent 15,000 words of Havoc’s Moon and Past Life. I lost three chapters and several important edits of Havoc’s Moon and over half of Past Life. And the ironic thing about that is I’d made a backup 3 days before hand, had an awesome stretch of writing, was feeling extremely proud of myself and when I went to turn my computer on to BACK UP my amazing progress, that is when I discovered it wouldn’t turn on. Words cannot express the devastation I felt. It was worse than having my period. It was almost, almost as bad as watching the season finale of Made in Abyss. Almost, which is saying a lot.

A few days after tech support told me there was no hope I was able to obliterate my savings and get a new iPad. I bought a 128gb iPad Air on clearance. It’s gold, which you can’t see because the keyboard case covers all the shiny. I already have a 16gb iPad 1 made back in the Stone Age so I had limited experience on how an iPad really works, which is kinda like an iPhone but kinda not.

My long term goal was to switch from a laptop to an iPad anyway because I don’t really need that big of a processor for the work I do and Pages can convert a file into an .epub FOR FREE, unlike Scrivener which is not free. More on that later.

I can say that my transition from Laptop to iPad has been relatively hassle free. The Bluetooth keyboard case works really well and aside from trying to backup my photos (again) to the iCloud so I could download them onto my iPad and somehow deleting them off of my phone, something I didn’t want to do, writing is happening.

Now, by happening I mean it’s happening now, in February. Back at the beginning of January, I needed a week to figure out what the fuck I was going to do, how I was going to fix my stories, in which I “outlined” and drafted ideas with my brainstorming buddy, Mr. J, and then when I felt comfortable enough to start over again I got the flu. I took 1 day off at the day job and used all of my energy to not fuck up when I went back to work and clean the litter box when I got home. That was all I had strength for.

No writing happened in January. I barely cleaned my apartment. I was lucky I could get up every morning on time to give the cats their treats (and equally lucky I did not fuck up at the day job. that would have been bad.).

And now February is here and I am scrambling to catch up. Writing fiction on an iPad is about the same as it was writing on my laptop, easy once I get the idea going. I’m not sure how writing and editing a poetry manuscript will be, however, because I haven’t mastered how to look at multiple screens simultaneously.

I am happy with my decision to move from writing on a laptop to using an iPad to fulfill all my writing needs, however, I would have liked more time to do more research and save up more money to make the transition without killing my savings.

(Disclaimer: I am a self-publisher of ebooks. I don’t do print books. I know that Pages has a lot going for it but I don’t know if it’s friendly for designing print books so I can’t speak on that subject. Also, this is not an in depth, compare and contrast of Microsoft Word, Scrivener, and Pages. I don’t know if I have the patience or sanity to write one.)

For my word processing software I am using Pages, which, if you have a Mac, iPad, or iPhone I seriously recommend over Scrivener or Word because:

1. You can sync all your documents to all your devices and back up documents to the cloud and NEVER LOSE ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.

2. The templates and formatting options Pages offers is just as comprehensive as Scrivener’s templates and even though you might have to teach yourself how to do some of the more detailed page setups and physical formatting like margin setup, it’s free software. I’m happy to take the time out of my day to teach myself how to design what I want and use free software than pay Scrivener for version 1, get the free update for version 2 but then have to pay to get version 3. No, I’m not bitter about that at all.

3. If I want to create and publish an ebook on my phone I can. That’s seriously cool.

I used versions 1 and 2 of Scrivener. Scrivener is cool, it has a lot. It has a lot that I don’t and didn’t use. I’m not trying to say that Scrivener is useless, the formatting and design options were really useful and I self-published 3 poetry collections using Scrivener. But now that I want to up my game I want software that’s more compatible to my needs. I don’t need a screenplay template. I don’t need a pre-made submission template when I already know how to format my document. So I’m happy using the simple tools that Pages has because I can build my own templates with them and use my money to buy book covers.

I hope the beginning of 2018 treated you better than it did me. Thanks for reading and keep on keeping on.

This is a post about pets. About cats. If you have cats, you can probably relate.

My cat’s name is Leela. She is a Russian Blue and also goes by the names: Pooks, Pookatron, and Spawn Of Satan (that was when she was younger and enjoyed jumping on fine ladies backs to attack their corset stays). Lately I have been calling her Leeks becasue that is what my text message auto correct changes her name into because, apparently, Leela is not an actual word.

Leela woke me up at 1:01 a.m. this morning. She usually waits for my alarm to go off before squeeking at me incessantly. She wants treats. And before you ask why I reinforce bad behavior with a reward, let me just say: she gets treats. She always gets treats. When I don’t get up with my alarm she bites my arm and jumps away before I can grab her. Wash, rinse, repeat. Meow, bite, evade. That is my morning routine.

Today the meow, bite, evade began WAY earlier than usual. So after I tried telling Leela that I really didn’t want to wake up at 1:01 a.m. when my alarm was scheduled to go off at 5:30 a.m. I reluctantly emerged from my cocoon of blankets wiht many tiny bite marks on my arm.

I gave her and her big sister, Titain, treats and noticed that the food bowl was empty. That, obviously, was her motivation for waking me up. I filled the bowl and went back to bed.

5:30 a.m. rolls around and I am greeted by both my alarm and Leela screaming at me to get up. I hit snooze until about 5:49 a.m. Then I get up and give Leela, Titain, and Tiny Rick this time, treats. Yes, two of them got treats twice. Tiny Rick has FIV and doesn’t care if he’s missed out. Priorities.

So then, as often happens in the early morning when I want to be asleep but am not, I have random thoughts. I thought of all those times when cats randomly look at blank spots in the world and stare.

Mr. J: How’d you sleep.

Me: Leela woke me up at 1:01 a.m.

Mr. J: Yep.

Me: Hey Mr. J, what if Leela and the others are in like a union and have been fighting demons and evil spirits all night and Leela is the one out of the group who makes sure they all get fair wages but in this case the wages are treats?

Mr. J: Or Leela is that lazy son of a bitch who does the least amount of work but expects to get the most pay.

Me: That’s mean!

Mr. J: It’s true.

Me: (Walks into kitchen. Leela follows, meowing.) What if Leela and the others fought a really tough, bad ass evil spirit at 1 a.m. and they got a monthly bonus?

Leela: jumps up on the counter and meows.

Me: (Smushes Leela’s face.) You always work hard killing the things we can’t see. No one can question your valor!

Leela: Meow.

Me: Yeah, you don’t give a shit, do you?

Leela: Meow.

Me: If anyone in the world deserved to not give a shit, it’s you. Well, really, it’s me but if I can’t not give a shit then you don’t have to.

And that has been my morning so far.

Sometimes existing as a human being in the same space with other human beings is hard.

If the grocery store is too busy I get scared. I get headaches and nauseous, the noise and general press of people are so overwhelming that the only way I can successfully achieve grocery shopping completeness is to bury my face in my love’s shoulder and have him steer me through the aisles and hand me things to carry.

Things to carry=distraction.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to interact with people when we really don’t want to.

One of those sometimes is if you’re an introvert, you need a job, and the only job you can find is in retail.

So if I have that bad of a reaction to being around people in a store, why would I subject myself to working in a stressful environment?

I need money to pay my bills. Living as a successful human being=compromise.

Similar compromise=wearing a uniform (I hate uniforms) instead of the clothes you love, etc. in order to achieve the end game. End game=you get to keep your car.

Out of the wide variety and varying severity of overwhelms, I have found one of the common discomforts for introverts is just being around people. The people aren’t threatening or doing anything out of the ordinary, they are just existing. Existence isn’t a problem, being around the existing is.

Working retail has stressed me out in ways that I never thought I would be stressed. When I first started working retail (I did a brief, 2-month stint in 2009 in a lingerie shop but I don’t count that anymore) I would bring all my discomfort and stress home with me and I wasn’t always the most pleasant person to deal with. Stress influenced my diet and sleep in negative ways. I felt bad all the time.

And then I recently (10 months of stressful environment did this to me) decided that I couldn’t cope with any of the stress anymore and I said F*** IT. And I let it go. Some people might call this the “head in the sand” effect but I don’t care, I’m making a conscious choice NOT TO BE STRESSED by the retail or the people.

This doesn’t always work, sometimes the stress comes and the overwhelm comes and there’s nothing I can do about it but push through and then cry later BUT for the times when I say “go away” and the stress actually goes away, I experience the best feelings of relief and not-discomfort.

So I made a list of things that help me to not get overwhelmed while working retail.

Most of this advice comes from my interpretation of the Buddhist teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.

These are all things that I have struggled to do and at some point, I have managed to successfully do at least once and found that, yes, even if it sounds stupid it really does help.

(you do not have to do these in numerical order)

1 Allow yourself to feel stress but don’t acknowledge it forever. Allow yourself and move on, into the next moment.

2 Try looking people in the eye, the nice people. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, look at their teeth or their hair, something on the same level as their face and accomplish whatever task you need to accomplish.

3 Remember there are no universal rules, not everything will work 100% of the time.

4 Have a good support structure at home, don’t stop talking to friends and family about how you are feeling even if you think your thoughts are worthless or if you feel like you are a burden to them. You aren’t.

5 Find the humor in every negative interaction.

6 Breathe to breathe, don’t breathe to calm down; focus on a basic task instead of people and/or the stress.

7 Observe your thoughts but don’t get caught up in them. It’s okay to say, “I wish I wasn’t here.” But don’t make yourself more stressed by obsessing over being in the negative space.

8 Don’t try to predict everything that will happen on your shift, keep an open mind and don’t imagine bad things that could happen.

9 When stressful situations arise, remember to slow down and take your time completing your tasks, that way you can focus on what you are supposed to do and do it correctly.

10 Listen to everything and think about your response before you speak. Some people might get frustrated that you’re taking too long to answer them but don’t let that discourage you and don’t feel that you have to speed up just to make someone else happy.

11 Always have something fun planned for your break or go somewhere quiet and enjoy existing in a quiet space.

12 Be the person you want to be, not the person you think other people need to see.

13 You aren’t responsible for making your customers or your co-workers happy, just do your job and don’t take on the responsibility of worrying about the emotional fulfillment of other people. If you do your job correctly that is enough, if someone gets upset when you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, that person is going through something and you have no control over how they react anyway, so don’t expend the energy worrying about them.

14 If you have a uniform and can’t express yourself with what you wear, invest in a pair of nice shoes that you enjoy wearing, that also fit within the uniform guidelines and find small ways, like jewelry or an undershirt, to make yourself feel like you are yourself and not an automaton.

15 When you’re off work, try to stay off work, don’t think about what will happen on your next shift or replay negative interactions from your previous shift. Instead, focus on something small that you enjoy, ex: listen to your favorite song.