I find myself regressing.
Repeating behaviors I exhibited back when I was in college.
I cut all my hair off and am letting it grow out again only this time the cutting was from losing the battle to save my ends from a bad dye job, not a surrender to early 2000s punk rock.
I return to my mother’s house where I live in the old room I had in elementary school. We played musical rooms a lot, my family and I.
I wear the clothes I wore as a child: jeans and oversized t-shirts only this time because they’re comfortable and not because we were flat broke and the authorities felt the need to hide my rapidly developing curves (I had the second biggest breasts in middle school).
I used to smoke cigarettes and I miss them with all of my heart.
I would tape magazine pictures into my notebooks for collages instead of gluing them, the glossy strips formed a layer of protection, preservation, I felt I could never attain.
I wanted to be a vampire. I wanted to stay the same, never age, never gain weight, never feel anything but cold.
Now I hate the cold and I weigh 50 lbs more than that girl I want to go back to.
She made a lot of mistakes.
I want to give her a hug and tell her to stop hating herself.
I want to tell her everything’s going to be alright AND she will find the PERFECT PURSE even though she’s also going to fuck up many, many times.
Fucking up is okay.
Do you guys out there feel that way too? Do you notice little things that you thought you outgrew? Or things you haven’t done in a very long time like make a collage or cut your hair?
Do you replay all your fuckups and cringe?