NaNo 2018 Day 7

Word count: 1207

Projects: The Morning Star which is no longer The Morning Star

Goals achieved/notes:

Now for something completely different. Before nanowrimo started I wanted to make progress on the sequel to my sci-fi novella, Past Life. Well, the sequel was not going well. So I threw the idea away (Not literally threw it away, I still have the draft file. Never throw anything away, copy and past into a different word doc but don’t throw anything away. You might need it later.) and started on something completely different. And by that I mean I’m now focusing on a completely different part of the universe. And I’m loving it.

But there’s a problem.

Past Life cannot exist on its own, it needs a sequel to complete it. Past Life is not a stand-alone book. That sequel no longer exists. Therefore Past Life is in a bit of a pickle.

So here’s what I’m going to do:

Firstly: I’ve taken Past Life out of circulation in most retail venues, however, you can still find it live on Prolific Works.

Secondly: I’m going to keep writing what I’ve started writing and if it turns out I don’t like it I will re-activate Past Life and life will resume as if nothing had happened and I will somehow figure out a way to make the sequel not suck.

But if it turns out I do like the new thing I’m doing…

Then I will re-launch Past Life. And it will be the thing that it was before PLUS all these new, cool things.

So that’s all I have for now. I’m super tired and I wanted to go to bed at 8 pm because it was raining all day and work, like yesterday was really tiring but I stayed awake and even thought I didn’t make my word count today I still wrote over 1000 words and I did the dishes AND I updated my blog so I’m totally winning right now even though I’m tired as fuck 🙂

Total word count: 9708

How are y’all doing?


NaNo 2018 Day 6

Word count: 0

Projects: projects are being reorganized and reprocessed.

Goals achieved/notes: so I’ve been trying to generate words for The Morning Star and it hasn’t been going very well, whereas Havoc’s Moon is doing very well. So after yesterday’s struggle to make my word count I spent all this morning before I went to work brainstorming and semi outlining and came to the conclusion that I am not happy with some things and I need to fix them before I can move on with The Morning Star. I might be relaunching Past Life. Which is why it’s not here on my fiction page anymore. If you are reading this in the future you will have no idea what I’m talking about. And then when I got home from work I was tired so I decided to read Frank Herbert’s Whipping Star and go to bed early.


NaNo 2018 Day 5

Word count: 1347 (I’m tired and need to take a shower and can’t write anymore)

Projects: The Morning Star

Goals achieved/notes: Just wanted to complete my word count today and work on The Morning Star. I worked on The Morning Star. I got home from work and had dinner. I watched Mr. J scroll through netflix and amazon prime before we settled on watching the first episode of Girls’ Last Tour (which I had already seen) then he went to bed and I watched a documentary on Scottish Wildcats with all the intentions of writing. I have admitted to myself that movies and tv are treats that should be indulged sparingly. I watched zero tv over the weekend and made more progress because of it. I didn’t do too bad today but I don’t want to let myself slip. If you count this post and the one from this morning I technically met my word count today but my blog is not my fiction and so it has to stay separate. More tomorrow.

I feel like I should make a list of encouraging but depressing mantras/slogans. “More tomorrow” sounds really dreary right now. Maybe I should check out that tough love forum on the nano website.


What’s gonna happen to all these books when I die?

So I think about dying every day. I think about how I might die: I get hit by a car while driving, someone shoots up my place of work, inclement weather throws a building on me, I spontaneously combust or catch the plague, I drown, I get hit by a car or a bus while not driving. You get the idea, there’s lots of ways to die.

And because I think this way I try my best not to get too stressed out about things (maybe death thoughts are a holistic way to cope with my anxiety) and tell Mr. J and the cats that I love them as many times as possible because. I take the saying: ‘dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.’ I also really like: ‘hope for the best, prepare for the worst.’ All the while I try to exist in the world as a not-depressed person.

So back to the question at hand. What is going to happen to all my books, all these projects I’m spending my time, love and tears on? I don’t have children and I don’t want children. My mother will hopefully die before I do so I can sell her house and pay off my student loans so they won’t go to her. My cousins and their children will probably not be interested in some distant relative’s self-published poetry. I have no idea what will happen to my digital book babies when I die.

And what if I did die tomorrow, Mr. J would be left with 11 unfinished manuscripts and nothing to do with them. I know some people who want their work published posthumously by a trusted party. I am not one of those people. If it’s mine and it’s not finished, don’t publish it. Because it’s not finished and I don’t want unfinished, sloppy work under my name.

I do know that once something is up on the internet it can be hard to get it off, so that’s comforting, I guess. But how to keep it from disappearing into the either? This is where traditional publishing is handy because you have someone else keeping your work in their archives if they decide to stop printing/distributing.

But I’m thinking 100 years in the future. Will my books still be on iBooks or Barnes and Noble’s nook store? The hope is yes.

But will the world still be around in 100 years? Will the internet still be around? I hope so.

But if not and the apocalypse happens when I’m an 80 old lady I will have to suicide out because fuck it I have arthritis and I’m not going to run around killing zombie mutants with my bad hip. Some aspiring, young adventurer will stumble upon my domicile and find a big 3-ring binder full of printed out copies of every word I’ve ever written and think, “I can make a fire!” And I’m glad that person would be warm that night. But still.

So if my work is going to be either burned for fuel or simply get deleted with a website goes offline forever AND if I could die today or tomorrow and my projects will never get done and it might not even matter if they do, then why am I wasting my time writing?

1. Because I’m writing for me. For now. I want my stories in my head out on paper for me to read in the now (the generalized now, not the now now).

2. It’s either this or binge watch Netflix and at least this way I won’t be napping all the time and my brain won’t rot.

3. I need something creative to do while I work at my day job (not at the same time, obviously. Though it would be awesome to tell a patient, “hey, I can’t give you a shot right now, I have to finish this chapter.”)

4. I’ve always been a writer. I was a writer when I was 4 and wrote my very first fan fiction (How Spider Saved Halloween, based on the book How Spider Saved Christmas by Robert Kraus) so I can’t really stop now.

5. And even though sometimes I am very cruel to myself about it, writing is fun.

6. My mom likes my stories.

7. You might like my stories too.


My Inner Editor

My inner editor looks like me only a little older, she is future me yelling at present me for all the mistakes I will make when I start writing.

On the plus side, my inner editor knows her stuff. She knows how to catch mistakes and detach herself well enough to catch most plot holes and inconsistencies.

On the minus side, I do this to myself every day; I am constantly berating and bullying myself–my past self–for the mistakes I made. Sometimes they’re yesterday’s mistakes but mostly they’re mistakes I made YEARS ago that probably no one remembers or even cares about anymore. No one but me.

So my inner editor is a reflection of one of my worst habits, which is self-bullying.

I love writing. I love it so much I don’t care if I’m “good” or “bad” at it. I think if you love something and it gives you joy you should do it regardless of what standards the “industry,” society, or whoever else you value holds you to. So why do I constantly tell myself this isn’t good or that isn’t good or something similar? Why do I do that so much that approaching my keyboard and the blank page becomes daunting and I get no enjoyment from the thing that used to keep me going during really tough bouts of depression?

It’s irrational and it’s mean. And I’ve often found that I have been meaner to myself than anyone else has been. So why do I do that?

I think partly because I’m not mindful enough, I’d rather think about all the things I have to do and get mildly anxious about not having enough time to do all the things than actually doing all the things. Because I’m scared that when the thing is done it won’t be good.

But if the thing isn’t good I can fix it because it’s MY thing and I have that power. So why do I still behave so irrationally?

Years of doing it and I don’t know how to stop? A little nervousness and discomfort is healthy?

You can’t have happy without suffering but this is definitely unnecessary suffering.

One of the things I like about National Novel Writing Month is that the pace keeps you so busy you don’t have time to indulge in those negative thoughts. Especially if you have things to do outside of writing, like raising another human being or paying the bills.

While your inner editor is a good thing to have on hand it definitely has its place and editing/revising is different from creating content. Yes you can edit as you create and sometimes that’s the best thing to do but other times it can slow you down and discourage you. You have to find a happy medium and it’s really hard to do that sometimes because feelings and desires.

I try my best to ignore my inner editor or tell her, “Hey, that’s cool, I’ll get to it later.” And when she screams at me to do it now I slam a door in her face. I don’t know if that’s the healthiest way to cope with my self-bullying because those thoughts always come back but it’s something that works for now.

The things I try to keep telling myself when I feel like I can’t do it anymore are:





Now go write!


Photo by Kat Nelson on Unsplash

NaNo 2018 Day 3

Word count: 2044

Projects: Havoc’s Moon, The Morning Star

Goals achieved/notes: So I haven’t had much luck with re-naming my characters but I have had some and some is better than nothing. My main character’s love interest in Havoc’s Moon has gone nameless since January of this year. He likes going by his last name but I’m the author and I need to know his first name because reasons. I took a lot of notes today for Havoc’s Moon, mostly about weaponry. It’s a paranormal action/adventure first and a romance second so I feel it’s very important I get the guns and artillery right.

For The Morning Star I think my main character is going to have some sort of psychotic break. I’m not sure. Even though I’m writing The Morning Star in 3rd person I free-wrote some of Echo’s thoughts in first person in the hopes that I can use them in the audio transcripts that are intermingled with the prose chapters.

Total word count: 5454 (Cleared 5,000 words today:))