Direction

Take the splintered memory of your father beating you from between your mother’s clenched teeth. If you can still hear his screams, go west. You will come to a ditch cradling a dead cat. If his neck is twisted, proceed north. If his belly burst open like a rotten orange under a motorcycle wheel, go south. You will find the rider’s bloody boot prints scuffing the Black-Eyed Susans. If you mix the pollen with loose-leaf tobacco and roll a cigarette your doppelgänger in another universe will be gifted a front row seat to the next public execution. But that is not the direction you want to go. If you ignore me and walk toward the old Civil War battlefield marked with the city’s slapdash attempts at historical editing. Your old lovers, wherever they are, will turn pale as if a nurse has taken too much life force from the abrasive latticework of a failed experiment. You will taste blood in your mouth. They will fall to the floor and you will not be there to catch them or kiss the languor from their eyes. You won’t want to. If you don’t see a dead cat, continue west as if nothing is wrong. You will eventually come to a fork in the road. Or a river. And you must either cut off all your hair or throw your clothes into the Salvation Army donation bin that washed up on the riverbank after the storm. You have to go bare in some way, your own body acting as a trembling neophyte’s compass, pointing towards the sharpest point away. If fear bites down on you so hard your ribs crack and snap against your heart, you can choose a different direction. You can run, screaming, back home or you can try to walk on water.

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Photo by Oliver Roos on Unsplash

5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique (One)

5 things I can see:

My purse

My lamp

My books (yeah I know, more than 5…whatever)

Mr. J’s guitar

Rubber ducks from the arcade claw machine

4 things I can touch:

This notebook

My mattress

The quilt Suzie made for me

My coffee mug

3 things I can hear:

Thunder

SJ Tucker singing (recording, not live…I wish *sigh* miss you girl!)

Is that rain?

2 things I can smell:

Slightly stale air

Damp (aka humidity)

1 thing I can taste:

Potato chips

*

This is an anxiety reduction technique. Read more about it here.

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

Quitting Smoking for the Millionth Time

Day 12 no nicotine.

So last week I realized smoking wasn’t helping me release stress/all the annoying things that make me want to break windows but it was actually making me feel better about holding on to the stress and obsessing more. So now I don’t feel so bad about quitting smoking (the memories are better than the real thing and I want to go back to better days when smoking meant all the fun things but it never really did, it lied and made all the lies taste nice which is a really scummy thing to do). But now I need to figure out how to stop obsessing about the annoying things and turn my thinking power towards more positive places.