This is a post about pets. About cats. If you have cats, you can probably relate.
My cat’s name is Leela. She is a Russian Blue and also goes by the names: Pooks, Pookatron, and Spawn Of Satan (that was when she was younger and enjoyed jumping on fine ladies backs to attack their corset stays). Lately I have been calling her Leeks becasue that is what my text message auto correct changes her name into because, apparently, Leela is not an actual word.
Leela woke me up at 1:01 a.m. this morning. She usually waits for my alarm to go off before squeeking at me incessantly. She wants treats. And before you ask why I reinforce bad behavior with a reward, let me just say: she gets treats. She always gets treats. When I don’t get up with my alarm she bites my arm and jumps away before I can grab her. Wash, rinse, repeat. Meow, bite, evade. That is my morning routine.
Today the meow, bite, evade began WAY earlier than usual. So after I tried telling Leela that I really didn’t want to wake up at 1:01 a.m. when my alarm was scheduled to go off at 5:30 a.m. I reluctantly emerged from my cocoon of blankets wiht many tiny bite marks on my arm.
I gave her and her big sister, Titain, treats and noticed that the food bowl was empty. That, obviously, was her motivation for waking me up. I filled the bowl and went back to bed.
5:30 a.m. rolls around and I am greeted by both my alarm and Leela screaming at me to get up. I hit snooze until about 5:49 a.m. Then I get up and give Leela, Titain, and Tiny Rick this time, treats. Yes, two of them got treats twice. Tiny Rick has FIV and doesn’t care if he’s missed out. Priorities.
So then, as often happens in the early morning when I want to be asleep but am not, I have random thoughts. I thought of all those times when cats randomly look at blank spots in the world and stare.
Mr. J: How’d you sleep.
Me: Leela woke me up at 1:01 a.m.
Mr. J: Yep.
Me: Hey Mr. J, what if Leela and the others are in like a union and have been fighting demons and evil spirits all night and Leela is the one out of the group who makes sure they all get fair wages but in this case the wages are treats?
Mr. J: Or Leela is that lazy son of a bitch who does the least amount of work but expects to get the most pay.
Me: That’s mean!
Mr. J: It’s true.
Me: (Walks into kitchen. Leela follows, meowing.) What if Leela and the others fought a really tough, bad ass evil spirit at 1 a.m. and they got a monthly bonus?
Leela: jumps up on the counter and meows.
Me: (Smushes Leela’s face.) You always work hard killing the things we can’t see. No one can question your valor!
Me: Yeah, you don’t give a shit, do you?
Me: If anyone in the world deserved to not give a shit, it’s you. Well, really, it’s me but if I can’t not give a shit then you don’t have to.
And that has been my morning so far.