Disclaimer: Mr. J loves my cats. But he came into my life many years after they did. They were here first. They don’t understand why he’s here now. They hate him. He does not understand why they hate him, or rather he does but he doesn’t care. Also, we are both vulgar people and swear at our pets just as much as they swear at us in cat language. No cat feelings or human feelings were harmed.
We were watching Master Chef.
Me: Describe the spirit of Tiny Rick if he were food.
Mr. J: A really good stew that you crack a raw egg all over at the last minute.
Mr. J: Because he sneezes all over everything.
Me: Okay, what about Leela?
Mr. J: Tiramisu but you dumped the entire jar of cinnamon over it.
Mr. J: Because the core is good but if you scrape away the top it’s just overwhelming and slightly annoying.
Me: Okay, Titian?
Mr. J: Chocolate pudding. Because she’s a fat piece of shit and slightly runny.
Note: Titain weighs 18.5 lbs. which is big for an American shorthair.
My mom is on vacation with her sister. They went to a bakery. I am jelly.
Me: Why do you think you’re automatically entitled to a piece of everything I eat?
Leela: (screams louder)
Me: Oh, right…
My mom recently gifted me with an abstract neon skull beach towel. Here’s what happened when she bought it:
Mom: (puts towel on counter)
Cashier: Ma’am? You do realize these are HUMAN skulls?
Mom: Yes, it’s for my daughter, she collects them. I’m so thrilled you have something I can get her that will make her happy.
So I’ve got some wasps trying to make a home behind the aluminum siding next to my front door. I was standing on my balcony zoning out after the storm and one of the wasps flew straight at me. Usually I move and make my slightly disturbed distress noise but because my brain has been in a fog all day I didn’t really register that the wasp was there. When I didn’t move right away it hovered in the air about a foot in front of my face and made this little loop in the air. I, finally realizing that there was indeed a wasp at face level, moved over a little to the right and said, “sorry.” The wasp then flew through the empty space and into the gap between my door and the siding. I think the only reason I didn’t get stung was because it had a mouth full of food or construction material for its house.
For some reason we were talking about directions first thing in the morning, literal directions and written instructions.
Me: wow thanks for making sure the left and right side of my brain are working.
Mr. J.: Yes because that’s how you know to take a left instead of two rights.
Me: Two rights EQUAL a left so fuck off!
Mr. J.: No they don’t…(dramatic pause)…It’s three rights make a left.
Me: fuck off
Mr. J: wow you really learned a lot from those gen ed classes in college